I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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