Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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