I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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