i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
