How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
