alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
