bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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