i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
