I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
BRING THE BAGELS
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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