Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
