No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
