You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
