just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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