please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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