I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
