U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
