Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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