You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
