Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
