Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
