He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
