so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
