Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
