she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
