dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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