I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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