guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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