Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
