so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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