You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
