i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
