I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
