We won't sleep together?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
