somebody snuck up and got me drunk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize