Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize