peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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