If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
