Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You are a genius and a whore.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
