if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
