Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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