My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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