You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
