the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
