I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
love makes seman taste better
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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