I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I am naked and annoyed.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
