I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Someone came in the potted fern
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
