No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
