He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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