The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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