Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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