you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
