Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
