there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
