i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
