my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
