i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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