At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
