I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just want to make out with him forever
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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