Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
